Because It Freaking Hurts...

Why does it still hurt?!?

I think I'm starting to feel the depressing grip of loneliness. I thought that I could fare well being alone but I guess it's just human nature to want to belong to someone or associate yourself with someone. It's like being in a state of immobility where I wait for the clock to tick, for each day to pass by as I detach myself from the habit I formed with that someone and now I am seeing things in different perspective.

Don't get me wrong, I still have people in my immediate surrounding but I am divorced from them all or I am in an alternate plane where nobody sees me grieving, let alone wholeheartedly speak to anyone of them about what I'm truly feeling inside. The people who do not dare enter my so-called dimension, however, are the ones I will forever cherish and refuse to forget. The drawback is that when they're gone, my sadness creeps back to me and I succumb to it even more severely.

Laters Baby,

The Cycle Of Love...

Random Shit...

When someone from your past exerted an effort to be part of your present, there will be that wishful thinking that he will be your future.

Days passed, months even. You will realize, you still have feelings. That deep connection you once shared will keep crawling back.

You’ll hope. You’ll crave. And when you finally decided to give it another shot, reality will slap you straight to your face.

He just wants to haunt you. He just wants to taunt you. But in the end, he doesn’t damn need you.

He will leave you heartbroken once again, crushed into tiny bits of pieces.

You’ll cry. You’ll bleed. You’ll suffer. You’ll die.

You will continue living even if you’re dead inside. Then, you will start the slow process of moving on.

You will start to build a strong, wall and cage your heart.

After a gazillion of sleepless nights and buckets of tears shed, you will start to let the feelings go.

And when you finally did, that is the time he will start to crawl back into your life once again.

This is where the cycle begins.

Laters Baby...

To The One Who Will Love Her Next...

She'll get very jealous. For pete sake, she gets jealous. Those dark brown eyes will turn into deep black. She hates that about herself but she doesn't mean to do it. On that topic, she will need constant reassurance. Tell her you love her and mean it. If you can't do it, leave. She deserves more than that.

There will be nights that she goes out and drink a little too much. She'll call you to bring her home. When you do, she'll  try to keep you up all night by tickling you and keep on repeating "I Love You and I'm sorry, I know I'm annoying." She's not annoying. But make sure she drinks plenty of water and don't let her pass out until she drinks it or she will be miserable in the morning.

She is the most independent woman I know but she's so insecure, it still breaks my heart. So, when she'll start an argument with "you don't love me."  Do not get upset. Remind her you do and the reasons why. She'll come around.

The cat comes first. Always. Don't think otherwise.

Send her a message in the morning when you wake up and before you go to bed. She loves the feeling that it's her you think first as you open your eyes in the morning and as you end your tiring day.

When she's having anxiety attack, wrap her in your arms and rub her back. Tell her she's safe and there's a medication if she needs it.

Don't ignore her calls. If you can't answer her right now, send her a message right away. She'll get upset if you don't. Keep this in mind, she is calling you just to say "I Love You", a simple "I Miss You" or remind you to eat when you will engrossed with what you are doing.

She don't like vegetables but believe me, she'll eat it if you will keep on insisting. She will love pleasing you all the time.

Don't her bring her to dark places and worst, don't leave her alone into dark places, she looks strong but she doesn't like dark places. Always turn on the lights.

When you tell her that you are sick, don't get annoyed if she will keep an eye on you and keep on checking you every now and then. She cares.

Don't give her the cold treatment. It will upset her and she'll start to think that you deserve someone better. Try to talk to her if she did something wrong. Believe me, she will never do it again. That's how much she will respect you as a man.

When you will be having an argument, never ever raise your voice on her. It will scare her.

When you'll miss her and you badly want to see her, she'll be there right away. Anytime of the day, regardless of the distance, without a second thought.

Losing her will be a pain you will never shake. Your world will come crashing down on you and those pieces won't ever fit the way they used to. DON'T EVER LET HER GO.

She will love you with all she got. Give her your all and she'll return the favor. You will never have to ask the universe for anything ever again.

Sincerely,

A name you'll hear in passing

Laters Baby...

Finally...

I am proud to say that I no longer have myself attached to you for I have moved on. Though my heart has been broken time and time again, I know that I will always manage to mend myself and spread my wings to once again fly away. My fate is engraved in stone, and it says that I will live to find someone who will provide me the solace, affection and understanding I've always yearned and deserved. I thought I couldn't live without you but the fact that I stand on my own two feet at this very moment proves that I can be fine without you. The dream is over. Now, I am smiling back again.

Laters Baby,

The Best Revenge Is To Be Beautiful...

Just a few days back, I needed to say goodbye to someone who was extremely important to me. Someone I liked so much. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But this person wasn’t making me as much of a priority as I was making him. His actions were not as loving as the words he is sending. I gave him several chances to show me how much I meant to him, instead of just telling me. I gave him several opportunities to treat me better, but he didn’t. I've even given him the time to think about the condition that he wants me to do was so irrational but he never realized it. So it was becoming more and more painful to have him in my life than to release him.

And he did said we needed to say goodbye. He thought I wouldn't but then realized its time to let go.

Believe me, it wasn’t easy. We had amazing chemistry, a strong friendship and a soul connection I hadn’t felt with anyone else. That special bond, along with the fact that I am an extremely loyal person, made me cringe at the thought of saying goodbye. But one day, he stepped on my heart just a little too hard and made me cry just a little too much, and I knew I had to walk away. At least for now. For my own sake.

I’m in mourning right now, and I will probably feel the pull of this individual for a long time, if not forever. And while I don’t know what the future holds, I do know that I must treat myself with kindness and respect in order to make sense of what happened and decide how to move on.

They all say that the best revenge is to be beautiful and I think I've given that saying a tad to much. Here's the result...

One Last Post About You

And now your gone and all I have left is seven unread drafts, and a few locked texts. They said to write out everything I want to say to you since I'm good at expressing myself in such. They said it would help, maybe bring closure. So I've sat all night long in front of my computer and wrote this. I know you’ll never read this, but I’m trying to move on so bear with me. So, here it goes..

I told you from the start not to come into my life and let me get all attached to you if you were just going to leave. And you know what, you did it exactly. You said all the right things, you did all the right things. You held my hand. You whispered things into my ear. You made me feel so special. You played with my hair. You told me not to worry about tomorrow or what was going to happen with us next. You made me trust you. Then, you left. Why didn’t you just walk away from the beginning, instead of letting me risked it all?

I never felt anything like how I felt for you. And so soon... So sudden... I wasn’t expecting it, but it happened anyway. I guess I was stupid to think that I actually had a chance to be with you forever. Because now that I’ve been away from you and have had time to breathe and think- you could almost have any girl you want, why would you want me? I guess that’s not realistic. I'm not being realistic.

I don’t know if you knew but I've liked you since day one. Why? Because I can see how you made my friend happy. But you became my downfall when you said its me you want and not her. I almost lost her. I almost lost a great friend. I can still remember everything about that day. Every single little detail. That beginning rush, that feeling that I know too much without knowing really anything at all. I keep thinking that maybe if you see how much I care about you, you’ll come back. But, I guess that’s not going to happen. but still, it all plays over and over again in my head. I can still see it, I can still hear your voice, I can still feel your touch.

You are by far the burly person I’ve ever met and I’d do anything to have you back in my life. I know you don’t need me but I need you. I would rather have you as a friend than you not be in my life at all, but I guess that’s not my choice to make.

I wish I could say it was your fault, I need someone to blame. But it was mine. You told me what your intentions where from the start, I just didn’t listen. But you, you knew how I felt about you, you knew you were helping with the fall, you knew it would mess with my head. You knew what you were doing, and you did it anyway.

Laters Baby...

He Never Will...

I just have to keep telling myself “HE doesn’t love you". HE didn’t love you when he was holding your hand. HE didn’t love you when he was whispering it in your ear. HE didn’t love you when HE convinced you to go a little too far. HE didn’t love you when HE swore HE’d never leave. HE didn’t love you when HE broke that promise.

HE didn't love you before and HE doesn't love you now either. Just because you're in a mess of emotions wishing HE would come back doesn’t mean HE will. HE doesn’t love you now that you are in an emotional roller coaster and hurting because HE left. HE doesn’t love you no matter how many desperate middle of the night texts you send HIM. No matter how many tears you cry for HIM it doesn't matter for HE doesn't love you

HE didn’t love you then. HE doesn’t love you now. And HE never will.

Laters Baby,

After You...

You stopped calling to say goodnight and so I stopped sleeping. Welcome to abnormal sleeping cycles featuring ‘I love you.’ the dark circles under my eyes aren’t temporary, but you are. Like when there is frost on the window and you’re scared to breathe because if you exhale to quickly it will disappear, this is how I love you.

Like when you rest your hand on something and the more you think about your hand being there, the heavier it feels. That’s kinda how loving you feels. you blind me with your sun then eclipse me with your moon before you give my eyes a chance to adjust. Being with you feels like a form of prayer and if God won’t bless you I will try my hardest to. But it’s like some sort of race I can’t get ahead of.

You know how some words sound cool but their meaning is underwhelming? That was us.

Laters Baby....

Chain Smoker...

You we’re a chain-smoker. I knew this when I met you, leaning up against that brick wall like it was the only thing keeping you standing, smoking one after the other. You had that look in your eyes, the kind that said you were up for anything. My parents had warned me about the drugs in the streets but no one ever warned me about the ones with brown, expressive eyes and a heartbeat. And those, well let me tell you, those are the most addictive kind of drugs. The addiction came unexpectedly fast, along with the long nights and blurry eyes, everything was always kept a blur when you were around. My head stayed constant state of spinning. My dependence became stronger and stronger, the more I had you the deeper I was in… the harder it was to stop. You became the oxygen I needed to stay alive. My reason for waking up in the morning. My excuse for staying up late at night. Then one day, it all stopped. 

You were a chain-smoker and I was just another pack of cigarettes.

Laters Baby...

It still hurts...

When I was still in college, I met a boy twice. I know that sounds silly and impossible but I guess, the difference between meeting him the first time and the last time is honestly simple in the most complex and ridiculous ways. In my head, it's so easy to justify this statement. It just makes so much sense to me there. But even when I try to explain it in the most simple ways, no one seems to understand.

I met a boy twice. I met him first in the beginning of the rainy season and again in the middle of the summer. When we met on that cold rainy day, his lips were almost chapped and his hair was kind of long. His hands were gentle and his voice was so soft. He offered me his jacket and asked me to share his umbrella. He would laugh because he thought it was so cute that I was coy that I could barely speak. He spent his days and nights making sure I was happy and loved and when he looked at me, his soulful and expressive eyes would light up. My life was beautiful and he thought I was beautiful. But rightfully, he was the beautiful one for making me love myself again during those few months. His kisses stole all the air from my lungs and his lips were sweet enough to give me goose bumps every time. We stayed up all night learning each other’s secrets and memorizing each other’s bodies. He fell in love with my smile and I fell in love with his eyes. When he held me, I would reached for his hands so that I could hold him too. When I held him, I'd bury my face in his shirt and study his distinct smell (cigarette and -something-). I never truly identified the "something" part. It's still a mystery, I suppose. We went on dates and held hands and smiled a lot. We watched the sunrise and the sunset. We went to a coffee shop although he is not a fanatic of such. We spent sunny days wandering around malls in search of that perfect spot. Mostly, we spent a lot of time talking and a lot of time kissing. I do not regret any single day spent with him. He was my talk-all-night friend and I guess my best friend in general.

Then one day, he got busy and stopped texting and calling. And I started caring too much. I had become far too involved and invested and I think that scared him away.

I didn't see him for a long time and it made me very ill. I became bitter and sad as he became more and more distant. I tried to explain how I felt but all that came out were buckets of tears and accusations and repetition and hurts and hurt and hurt. We spent a night in an unknown place because he wouldn't let me leave until it stopped raining and I didn't leave even if it already stopped.

Later we spent a lot of time arguing on the phone. I spent a lot of time crying and he spent a lot of time feeling guilty.

I ran into him where we used to hang out with our group of peers during his break one day and his hair was short and well groomed. He didn't touch me. His voice is still soft but indifferent. His lips was no longer chapped and he didn't laugh nor think it was cute when I stuttered because I was nervous. His eyes were dark and he didn't smile when he saw me. He didn't seem happy to see me. He didn't stop me when I began to cry and walked away. He didn't tell me he missed me too. I just stood shaking. I never felt so vulnerable. He didn't seem like the same person from before and I felt like it was all my fault.

That's what keeps me up at night, figuring out where I went wrong.

I met a boy twice.

The first time, he smiled and he fell in love with me,

The second time, he fell out of love with me.

Laters Baby....

Love Yourself...

Hey, I know its hard to be you these days. Maybe, you haven't figured it out yet. So for now, just do what you love doing...

Join a swimming team or a basketball team perhaps... Travel alone... Write a Novel... Read tons of books... Update your blog... Anything!!!

Find someone to do this things with...

Make new friend and have the courage to let go of those people who keeps you from growing.

Let your broken heart heal. Find someone who will love you with no hesitations. Someone who won't give up on you even if you already have.

Never be sorry for who you are... Never quit... Never be afraid...

Go out there... Have fun... Enjoy your life to the fullest. You'll just be fine...

Love, 

Yourself

Laters Baby....

The A,B,C's of Love...

Stumbled upon this huge card that I was supposed to give Ry while doing my weekend general cleaning and saying I love the meaning is such an understatement... I wonder why I was never able to give this to him... Made me realize what I've gained, lost and gained back again in the process...

Photo Courtesy of www.whilehewassnapping.com

Let me share it with you guys...






A - is for Awesome Adventures together...
B - is for Being two Birds of the same feather...
C - is for Chocolate, the food of romance...
D - is for Dipping while Doing a Dance...
E - is for Eyes full of burning desire...
F - is for Fanning the Flames of the Fire...
G - is for Giggling our hearts out...
H - is for Heartthrob, if that's not too mushy...
I - is for Intimate wear -ooh-la-la!...
J - is for some certain Je Ne Sais Quoi...
K - is for Kisses, the language of love...
L - is for Lip-Locks (the same as above)...
M - is for Moonlight creating a Mood...
N - is for Naughty or better yet Nude...
O - is for Ogling my hot-bodied cutie...
P - is for Pet names like hootie patootie...
Q - is for Quotes from the poets of yore...
R - is for Roses, a dozen or more...
S - is for Sensuous Sighing and such...
T - is for Trembling at your Tender Touch...
U- is for Utter, Undying devotion...
V - is for Violins, oozing emotion...
W - is for Wooing and Whispering low...
X - is a letter pairing with O...
Y - is for Yippee! and Yay! and Yahoo!...
Z - is for Zany- like I am for you...






Laters baby....

And Its You Again

I woke up less energetic today due to lack of sleep. As always like my normal routine for the past two years or so, I got out of my bed, brushed my teeth, ate my early dinner and took my bath. I was getting ready to leave for work when I received your call. I was not expecting to hear from you though and I wish I never heared from you today but I couldn't change that. You left me heart broken yet again. And this entry is yet again for you.

I loved you like the air I breathe and I still do. I doubt that I will ever stop loving you. You were the only man I ever met that made me feel safe. You came into my life when I was going through so many changes and you still loved me in spite of all of those things, even though you could never admit it, was too stubborn to. You reeled me in, despite all of my common sense, despite knowing what I knew of you, had me considering the unthinkable… I could tell you anything, everything, or nothing—it didn’t matter. You were the only man that could really make me laugh that the mere thought of having just a conversation with you makes me feel so relaxed. I refused to give my everything to you way back, because I'm afraid you will just leave me hanging, despite this you still tried to understand my weaknesses and failures. But I know, you can only have a fair share of this and you finally gave up. It took me a while to get over you and when I finally did let go, you started coming back. I tried to stay away and not communicate with you but it's so hard, you are persistent. We became friends, best of friends and it did gave me that pinch of hope that we could still end up together when you once told me that you would win my heart back but we didn't. You have found the one, the girl whom you would spend the rest of your life with. I know this is wrong but I did wrote this entry because my mind needed to however it’s obvious that my heart and my body are deeply connected and I don’t know if that will ever change. And here's my confession, I was afraid that you would leave me again once I take you back in my arms. I know that in love pain is inevitable, that I should take chances but with you, it seems difficult. It took me years to get over you and I knew when you leave me hanging once again it would be a great fall, that I will not be able to withstand it. You had that effect on me. And yes, until now you still do.

I'm only telling you all of this because you are right, you do deserved to know what hold me back to run into your not long ago free hands. I also know that its better to tell it to you personally but I know I wouldn't be able to look you in the eye and tell you all of this since I can barely type in the words here in my computer.

They keep telling me you were a coward, you're afraid of rejections and you're the type who doesn't want to wait and I’m sure they’re right but everything feels so wrong without you and I don’t know how to fix that right now.

I will leave you in peace. I don't think this time around we can still remain friends, best of friends, that things will be like the way it was before. You deserve the happiness you're experiencing but I also deserve mine. I have loved you, still love you and will always love you. You will always have that space in my heart. But that's just how our relationship would end.

Laters Baby...