I woke up less energetic today due to lack of sleep. As always like my normal routine for the past two years or so, I got out of my bed, brushed my teeth, ate my early dinner and took my bath. I was getting ready to leave for work when I received your call. I was not expecting to hear from you though and I wish I never heared from you today but I couldn't change that. You left me heart broken yet again. And this entry is yet again for you.
I loved you like the air I breathe and I still do. I doubt that I will ever stop loving you. You were the only man I ever met that made me feel safe. You came into my life when I was going through so many changes and you still loved me in spite of all of those things, even though you could never admit it, was too stubborn to. You reeled me in, despite all of my common sense, despite knowing what I knew of you, had me considering the unthinkable… I could tell you anything, everything, or nothing—it didn’t matter. You were the only man that could really make me laugh that the mere thought of having just a conversation with you makes me feel so relaxed. I refused to give my everything to you way back, because I'm afraid you will just leave me hanging, despite this you still tried to understand my weaknesses and failures. But I know, you can only have a fair share of this and you finally gave up. It took me a while to get over you and when I finally did let go, you started coming back. I tried to stay away and not communicate with you but it's so hard, you are persistent. We became friends, best of friends and it did gave me that pinch of hope that we could still end up together when you once told me that you would win my heart back but we didn't. You have found the one, the girl whom you would spend the rest of your life with. I know this is wrong but I did wrote this entry because my mind needed to however it’s obvious that my heart and my body are deeply connected and I don’t know if that will ever change. And here's my confession, I was afraid that you would leave me again once I take you back in my arms. I know that in love pain is inevitable, that I should take chances but with you, it seems difficult. It took me years to get over you and I knew when you leave me hanging once again it would be a great fall, that I will not be able to withstand it. You had that effect on me. And yes, until now you still do.
I'm only telling you all of this because you are right, you do deserved to know what hold me back to run into your not long ago free hands. I also know that its better to tell it to you personally but I know I wouldn't be able to look you in the eye and tell you all of this since I can barely type in the words here in my computer.
They keep telling me you were a coward, you're afraid of rejections and you're the type who doesn't want to wait and I’m sure they’re right but everything feels so wrong without you and I don’t know how to fix that right now.
I will leave you in peace. I don't think this time around we can still remain friends, best of friends, that things will be like the way it was before. You deserve the happiness you're experiencing but I also deserve mine. I have loved you, still love you and will always love you. You will always have that space in my heart. But that's just how our relationship would end.
Laters Baby...
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