Emotions Washed Out

I'll make this short and sour.

The truth will remain the truth, regardless of how warped it may sound coming from a false tongue.

The eyes of the sober sees everything, despite the assumed delusions of hidden desires and feelings. Such an assumption is a lie, which I consider crass and inappropriate...

Nevertheless, despicable.

Mere figments of your drug induced imagination.

Let sleeping dragons lie, lest they devour your blind head in all it's intelligence.

For as long as I care, and these sober eyes can see, you shall not harm me. Count on it.

Oh, and if you think this post is all about YOU, don't ask, because it probably is.

Laters Baby,

Because It Freaking Hurts...

Why does it still hurt?!?

I think I'm starting to feel the depressing grip of loneliness. I thought that I could fare well being alone but I guess it's just human nature to want to belong to someone or associate yourself with someone. It's like being in a state of immobility where I wait for the clock to tick, for each day to pass by as I detach myself from the habit I formed with that someone and now I am seeing things in different perspective.

Don't get me wrong, I still have people in my immediate surrounding but I am divorced from them all or I am in an alternate plane where nobody sees me grieving, let alone wholeheartedly speak to anyone of them about what I'm truly feeling inside. The people who do not dare enter my so-called dimension, however, are the ones I will forever cherish and refuse to forget. The drawback is that when they're gone, my sadness creeps back to me and I succumb to it even more severely.

Laters Baby,

The Cycle Of Love...

Random Shit...

When someone from your past exerted an effort to be part of your present, there will be that wishful thinking that he will be your future.

Days passed, months even. You will realize, you still have feelings. That deep connection you once shared will keep crawling back.

You’ll hope. You’ll crave. And when you finally decided to give it another shot, reality will slap you straight to your face.

He just wants to haunt you. He just wants to taunt you. But in the end, he doesn’t damn need you.

He will leave you heartbroken once again, crushed into tiny bits of pieces.

You’ll cry. You’ll bleed. You’ll suffer. You’ll die.

You will continue living even if you’re dead inside. Then, you will start the slow process of moving on.

You will start to build a strong, wall and cage your heart.

After a gazillion of sleepless nights and buckets of tears shed, you will start to let the feelings go.

And when you finally did, that is the time he will start to crawl back into your life once again.

This is where the cycle begins.

Laters Baby...

To The One Who Will Love Her Next...

She'll get very jealous. For pete sake, she gets jealous. Those dark brown eyes will turn into deep black. She hates that about herself but she doesn't mean to do it. On that topic, she will need constant reassurance. Tell her you love her and mean it. If you can't do it, leave. She deserves more than that.

There will be nights that she goes out and drink a little too much. She'll call you to bring her home. When you do, she'll  try to keep you up all night by tickling you and keep on repeating "I Love You and I'm sorry, I know I'm annoying." She's not annoying. But make sure she drinks plenty of water and don't let her pass out until she drinks it or she will be miserable in the morning.

She is the most independent woman I know but she's so insecure, it still breaks my heart. So, when she'll start an argument with "you don't love me."  Do not get upset. Remind her you do and the reasons why. She'll come around.

The cat comes first. Always. Don't think otherwise.

Send her a message in the morning when you wake up and before you go to bed. She loves the feeling that it's her you think first as you open your eyes in the morning and as you end your tiring day.

When she's having anxiety attack, wrap her in your arms and rub her back. Tell her she's safe and there's a medication if she needs it.

Don't ignore her calls. If you can't answer her right now, send her a message right away. She'll get upset if you don't. Keep this in mind, she is calling you just to say "I Love You", a simple "I Miss You" or remind you to eat when you will engrossed with what you are doing.

She don't like vegetables but believe me, she'll eat it if you will keep on insisting. She will love pleasing you all the time.

Don't her bring her to dark places and worst, don't leave her alone into dark places, she looks strong but she doesn't like dark places. Always turn on the lights.

When you tell her that you are sick, don't get annoyed if she will keep an eye on you and keep on checking you every now and then. She cares.

Don't give her the cold treatment. It will upset her and she'll start to think that you deserve someone better. Try to talk to her if she did something wrong. Believe me, she will never do it again. That's how much she will respect you as a man.

When you will be having an argument, never ever raise your voice on her. It will scare her.

When you'll miss her and you badly want to see her, she'll be there right away. Anytime of the day, regardless of the distance, without a second thought.

Losing her will be a pain you will never shake. Your world will come crashing down on you and those pieces won't ever fit the way they used to. DON'T EVER LET HER GO.

She will love you with all she got. Give her your all and she'll return the favor. You will never have to ask the universe for anything ever again.

Sincerely,

A name you'll hear in passing

Laters Baby...

Finally...

I am proud to say that I no longer have myself attached to you for I have moved on. Though my heart has been broken time and time again, I know that I will always manage to mend myself and spread my wings to once again fly away. My fate is engraved in stone, and it says that I will live to find someone who will provide me the solace, affection and understanding I've always yearned and deserved. I thought I couldn't live without you but the fact that I stand on my own two feet at this very moment proves that I can be fine without you. The dream is over. Now, I am smiling back again.

Laters Baby,

The Best Revenge Is To Be Beautiful...

Just a few days back, I needed to say goodbye to someone who was extremely important to me. Someone I liked so much. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But this person wasn’t making me as much of a priority as I was making him. His actions were not as loving as the words he is sending. I gave him several chances to show me how much I meant to him, instead of just telling me. I gave him several opportunities to treat me better, but he didn’t. I've even given him the time to think about the condition that he wants me to do was so irrational but he never realized it. So it was becoming more and more painful to have him in my life than to release him.

And he did said we needed to say goodbye. He thought I wouldn't but then realized its time to let go.

Believe me, it wasn’t easy. We had amazing chemistry, a strong friendship and a soul connection I hadn’t felt with anyone else. That special bond, along with the fact that I am an extremely loyal person, made me cringe at the thought of saying goodbye. But one day, he stepped on my heart just a little too hard and made me cry just a little too much, and I knew I had to walk away. At least for now. For my own sake.

I’m in mourning right now, and I will probably feel the pull of this individual for a long time, if not forever. And while I don’t know what the future holds, I do know that I must treat myself with kindness and respect in order to make sense of what happened and decide how to move on.

They all say that the best revenge is to be beautiful and I think I've given that saying a tad to much. Here's the result...

Friends?!?....

I thought you were there to guide me, but you were only in my way. You're not even in my life anymore, and yet you still find ways to mess things up for me. If it makes me a bad friend to not want chaos in my life then let it be. I can’t keep being there to fix you when you break. I can’t keep trying to help you, if you won’t help yourself. I can’t save you. It’s too late...

Believe it or not, it is breaking my heart to see you messing up your life like your doing  now. To hear you say the words you’ve said to me.. About me.. To see you turn your back on me, when it was supposed to be “us against the world”...

“If you were a true friend you would support me no matter what!"

But you didn't...


And I guess that ended it all...






Laters Baby....

One Last Post About You

And now your gone and all I have left is seven unread drafts, and a few locked texts. They said to write out everything I want to say to you since I'm good at expressing myself in such. They said it would help, maybe bring closure. So I've sat all night long in front of my computer and wrote this. I know you’ll never read this, but I’m trying to move on so bear with me. So, here it goes..

I told you from the start not to come into my life and let me get all attached to you if you were just going to leave. And you know what, you did it exactly. You said all the right things, you did all the right things. You held my hand. You whispered things into my ear. You made me feel so special. You played with my hair. You told me not to worry about tomorrow or what was going to happen with us next. You made me trust you. Then, you left. Why didn’t you just walk away from the beginning, instead of letting me risked it all?

I never felt anything like how I felt for you. And so soon... So sudden... I wasn’t expecting it, but it happened anyway. I guess I was stupid to think that I actually had a chance to be with you forever. Because now that I’ve been away from you and have had time to breathe and think- you could almost have any girl you want, why would you want me? I guess that’s not realistic. I'm not being realistic.

I don’t know if you knew but I've liked you since day one. Why? Because I can see how you made my friend happy. But you became my downfall when you said its me you want and not her. I almost lost her. I almost lost a great friend. I can still remember everything about that day. Every single little detail. That beginning rush, that feeling that I know too much without knowing really anything at all. I keep thinking that maybe if you see how much I care about you, you’ll come back. But, I guess that’s not going to happen. but still, it all plays over and over again in my head. I can still see it, I can still hear your voice, I can still feel your touch.

You are by far the burly person I’ve ever met and I’d do anything to have you back in my life. I know you don’t need me but I need you. I would rather have you as a friend than you not be in my life at all, but I guess that’s not my choice to make.

I wish I could say it was your fault, I need someone to blame. But it was mine. You told me what your intentions where from the start, I just didn’t listen. But you, you knew how I felt about you, you knew you were helping with the fall, you knew it would mess with my head. You knew what you were doing, and you did it anyway.

Laters Baby...

He Never Will...

I just have to keep telling myself “HE doesn’t love you". HE didn’t love you when he was holding your hand. HE didn’t love you when he was whispering it in your ear. HE didn’t love you when HE convinced you to go a little too far. HE didn’t love you when HE swore HE’d never leave. HE didn’t love you when HE broke that promise.

HE didn't love you before and HE doesn't love you now either. Just because you're in a mess of emotions wishing HE would come back doesn’t mean HE will. HE doesn’t love you now that you are in an emotional roller coaster and hurting because HE left. HE doesn’t love you no matter how many desperate middle of the night texts you send HIM. No matter how many tears you cry for HIM it doesn't matter for HE doesn't love you

HE didn’t love you then. HE doesn’t love you now. And HE never will.

Laters Baby,

After You...

You stopped calling to say goodnight and so I stopped sleeping. Welcome to abnormal sleeping cycles featuring ‘I love you.’ the dark circles under my eyes aren’t temporary, but you are. Like when there is frost on the window and you’re scared to breathe because if you exhale to quickly it will disappear, this is how I love you.

Like when you rest your hand on something and the more you think about your hand being there, the heavier it feels. That’s kinda how loving you feels. you blind me with your sun then eclipse me with your moon before you give my eyes a chance to adjust. Being with you feels like a form of prayer and if God won’t bless you I will try my hardest to. But it’s like some sort of race I can’t get ahead of.

You know how some words sound cool but their meaning is underwhelming? That was us.

Laters Baby....

Chain Smoker...

You we’re a chain-smoker. I knew this when I met you, leaning up against that brick wall like it was the only thing keeping you standing, smoking one after the other. You had that look in your eyes, the kind that said you were up for anything. My parents had warned me about the drugs in the streets but no one ever warned me about the ones with brown, expressive eyes and a heartbeat. And those, well let me tell you, those are the most addictive kind of drugs. The addiction came unexpectedly fast, along with the long nights and blurry eyes, everything was always kept a blur when you were around. My head stayed constant state of spinning. My dependence became stronger and stronger, the more I had you the deeper I was in… the harder it was to stop. You became the oxygen I needed to stay alive. My reason for waking up in the morning. My excuse for staying up late at night. Then one day, it all stopped. 

You were a chain-smoker and I was just another pack of cigarettes.

Laters Baby...

It still hurts...

When I was still in college, I met a boy twice. I know that sounds silly and impossible but I guess, the difference between meeting him the first time and the last time is honestly simple in the most complex and ridiculous ways. In my head, it's so easy to justify this statement. It just makes so much sense to me there. But even when I try to explain it in the most simple ways, no one seems to understand.

I met a boy twice. I met him first in the beginning of the rainy season and again in the middle of the summer. When we met on that cold rainy day, his lips were almost chapped and his hair was kind of long. His hands were gentle and his voice was so soft. He offered me his jacket and asked me to share his umbrella. He would laugh because he thought it was so cute that I was coy that I could barely speak. He spent his days and nights making sure I was happy and loved and when he looked at me, his soulful and expressive eyes would light up. My life was beautiful and he thought I was beautiful. But rightfully, he was the beautiful one for making me love myself again during those few months. His kisses stole all the air from my lungs and his lips were sweet enough to give me goose bumps every time. We stayed up all night learning each other’s secrets and memorizing each other’s bodies. He fell in love with my smile and I fell in love with his eyes. When he held me, I would reached for his hands so that I could hold him too. When I held him, I'd bury my face in his shirt and study his distinct smell (cigarette and -something-). I never truly identified the "something" part. It's still a mystery, I suppose. We went on dates and held hands and smiled a lot. We watched the sunrise and the sunset. We went to a coffee shop although he is not a fanatic of such. We spent sunny days wandering around malls in search of that perfect spot. Mostly, we spent a lot of time talking and a lot of time kissing. I do not regret any single day spent with him. He was my talk-all-night friend and I guess my best friend in general.

Then one day, he got busy and stopped texting and calling. And I started caring too much. I had become far too involved and invested and I think that scared him away.

I didn't see him for a long time and it made me very ill. I became bitter and sad as he became more and more distant. I tried to explain how I felt but all that came out were buckets of tears and accusations and repetition and hurts and hurt and hurt. We spent a night in an unknown place because he wouldn't let me leave until it stopped raining and I didn't leave even if it already stopped.

Later we spent a lot of time arguing on the phone. I spent a lot of time crying and he spent a lot of time feeling guilty.

I ran into him where we used to hang out with our group of peers during his break one day and his hair was short and well groomed. He didn't touch me. His voice is still soft but indifferent. His lips was no longer chapped and he didn't laugh nor think it was cute when I stuttered because I was nervous. His eyes were dark and he didn't smile when he saw me. He didn't seem happy to see me. He didn't stop me when I began to cry and walked away. He didn't tell me he missed me too. I just stood shaking. I never felt so vulnerable. He didn't seem like the same person from before and I felt like it was all my fault.

That's what keeps me up at night, figuring out where I went wrong.

I met a boy twice.

The first time, he smiled and he fell in love with me,

The second time, he fell out of love with me.

Laters Baby....

Love Yourself...

Hey, I know its hard to be you these days. Maybe, you haven't figured it out yet. So for now, just do what you love doing...

Join a swimming team or a basketball team perhaps... Travel alone... Write a Novel... Read tons of books... Update your blog... Anything!!!

Find someone to do this things with...

Make new friend and have the courage to let go of those people who keeps you from growing.

Let your broken heart heal. Find someone who will love you with no hesitations. Someone who won't give up on you even if you already have.

Never be sorry for who you are... Never quit... Never be afraid...

Go out there... Have fun... Enjoy your life to the fullest. You'll just be fine...

Love, 

Yourself

Laters Baby....

Post It Again...

I recently got the urge to re-post this stuff for the third time... Let's say I'm really curious if there are a lot of changes in this Q and A Form...


@Song playing at the moment?

-> Wish I May by Alden Richards (lyrics so damn good...)


@My reason for living? 

-> My family, my friends, ALDUB (insert LOL here) and my reason for living...


@Do u think your crush is sexy?

->  I don't have one right at this very moment...


@Ever donated blood? 

-> Twice actually....


@Fave color(s)? 

-> Still love all shades of BLUE with a little touch of PINK for my feminine side...


@Accessories you usually wear? 

-> I don't think I can ever leave my house without a watch on....


@One song to describe a heartbreak? 

-> Negative Things....


@Last place you went in? 

-> Smoking Area....


@Last person who disappointed you? 

-> Still the same person... Weird....


@The most boring sport? 

-> Is there a boring sport??? 


@Ever had a baby? 

-> Toink....


@The funniest movie you watched in the past? 

-> Honestly, I don't go to movie houses anymore... Except this coming December for My Pabebe Love....


@Any piercings or tattoo? 

-> Ears... I used to have one in my tongue.... TAT?!? --- Yes... Both arms.... (Finally)


@The most romantic gift? 

-> I guess a handwritten letter....


@Sang on stage before? 

-> I did...


@Struck by lightning before? 

-> Still a silly question....


@Dance with the one you loved before? 

-> I did... 


@Ever wished you could turn back time? 

-> Nope... Everything happens for a reason...


@What would you think each day you wake up? 

-> Thank God for a new day, wish things were different....


@three songs that's meaningful to you? 

-> Weak- Sisters with Voice 

-> Saving Forever For You- Shanice

-> You Are Beautiful- James Blunt 


@What will you do after this? 

-> Do my audits....


@One thing you totally regretted doing? 

-> Probably loving beyond my capacity....


@Do people like you? 

-> I know some.... but I know not all... 


@What was the last game you played on the computer? 

-> Text Twist...


@Someone who means a lot to you at the moment? 

-> My siblings, my dad, my mom and my ever cutie niece Princess Jewel...


@The color of your mobile phone? 

-> Black...


@Do you hate someone at the moment? 

-> Nope....


[Marital Status]: 

~ Single and loving it....


[Shoe size]: 

~ it varies but mostly 9 or 9 1/2

[Parents still together]: 

~ Nope

[Siblings]: 

~ 3 


[Pets]: 

~ two dogs, both are Japanese poodles... I want a Siberian Husky though....


FAVORITES 


[Color]: 

~ all shades of blue with a little touch of pink 

[Animal]: 

~ dogs 

[Drinks]: 

~ green mango shakes, blueberry shakes 

[Soda]: 

~ orange soda 


[Book]: 

~ Tuesdays with Morrie, Celestine Prophecy 

[Flower]: 

~ Tulips....


DO YOU 


[Color your hair?]: 

~ Yes....

[Twirl your hair?]: 

~ Yes...

[Have tattoos?]: 

~ Funny, I used to say that I don't intend to get a TAT but now I have two (both on my arms)


[Cheat on tests/homework?]: 

~ yap.... who doesn't anyway.... 

[Drink/Smoke?]: 

~ Both....

[Like roller coasters?]: 

~ I do... (Funny thing is I have this huge fear of heights)

[Wish you could live somewhere else?]: 

~ Probably go back to that place I always call HOME....

[Like cleaning?]: 

~ OC...


[Write in cursive or print?]: 

~ both 

[Know how to drive?]: 

~ yap.... 

[Own a cell phone?]: 

~ yap. 

[Ever get off the damn computer?]: 

~ i don't think i'll ever will 

HAVE U EVER 



[Been in a fist fight?]: 

~ yap

[Considered being a hooker?]: 

~ nope

[Lied to someone?]: 

~ sad but yes

[Been in love?]: 

~ I did....

[Been in lust?]: 

~ yap.... ashihihihhhh^_~

[Held a gun]: 

~ nope....



CURRENTS 



[Current clothing]: 

~ Blue top with a touch of neon green, pants

[Current mood]: 

~ Happy

[Current taste]: 

~ sweets (Mik-Mik particularly)

[Current hair]: 

~ straight but i'm planning to get my hair curled.... ^_~

[Current thing(holding)]: 

~ keyboard

[Current cd in stereo]: 

~ Wish I May by Alden Richards (Proud ALDUB fan)


LAST



[Last book you read]: 

~ Re-read The Notebook...

[Last movie you saw]: 

~ I forgot....

[Last thing you ate]: 

~ Mik-Mik...

[Last person you talked to on the phone]: 

~ Deanmark Tortosa


OTHERS



[Do drugs?]: 

~ nope..

[Believe there is life on other planets?]: 

~ think so

[Remember your first love?]: 

~ a little but the recent will forever be in my mind...

[Still love him/her?]: 

~ nope,,,^_~

[Read the newspaper?]: 

~ yap...

[Have any gay or lesbian friends?]: 

~ a lot

[Believe in miracles?]: 

~ yap.... so much

[Do well in school?]: 

~ I did....


[Wear hats]: 

~ sometimes... depends on my mood

[Hate yourself?]: 

~ Nope...

[Have an obsession?]: 

~ Shoes, Accessories, Bags, Books, ALDUB

[Collect anything?]: 

~ ALDUB Memorabilia... Shoes, Bags, Watches...

[Have a best friend?]: 

~ yap

[Close friends?]: 

~ a lot

[Like your handwriting?]: 

~ sort of... ^_~

[Care about looks]: 

~ not all the time...



LOVE LIFE 



[First crush]: 

~ a guy named oddrey... did i spell it right???

[Do you believe in love at first sight?]: 

~ Sort of....

[Do you believe in "the one?"]: 

~ yap...



ARE YOU A 



[Bitch/Asshole]: 

~ with my girlfriends I guess....

[sarcastic]: 

~ sometimes

[an Angel]: 

~ to some of my peepz yap...

[Devil]: 

~ Sometimes...

[Shy]: 

~ depends...

[Talkative]: 

~ I am....


1 MINUTE AGO: 

* PM with Ferdz

1 HOUR AGO: 

* tweeting about ALDUB

1 DAY AGO: 

* Sleeping....

1 YEAR AGO: 

* this time of the year talking to somebody on the phone

I LOVE: 

* my baby angel

I HATE: 

* biatchesss and -----

I FEEL: 

* happy and very blessed


I HIDE: 

* my true feelings

I DRIVE: 

* used to drive the revo and jaguar of my friend...

I MISS: 

* my late father, my little angel Godwin and how I used to be before

I LEARNED: 

* to grow up, act for my age and be strong

I NEED: 

* more time to sleep and relax

I THINK: 

* I should be ready for all the consequences of my actions and for a bigger responsibility



FIRST PART 2...




First screen name: 

* Aivi

First piercing: 

* ears

First credit card: 

* ooohhhh jesus......

First enemy: 

* si kuya... higpit kc but now, medyo nlng

First musician you remember hearing in your house: 

* my guardian....



LAST PART 2...


Last car ride: 

* My friend's car... 

Last kiss: 

* no comment

Last movie seen: 

* Totally forgot....

Last food consumed: 

* Mik-Mik

Last phone call: 

* Deanmark Tortosa

Last CD played: 

* Wish I May by Alden Richards

Last drink drank: 

* Water

Last time scolded: 

* A decade ago...



SHORT ANSWER.. 



I AM: Aika 

I WANT: to take life to the fullest 

I HAVE: a good friend by my side 

I WISH: I could have more time for sleeping and relaxing

I WONDER: why things didn't work out the way I planned it 

I ALWAYS: stay in Niño's crib until the wee hours of the night 

I DANCE: in the tune of my neck, my back 

I SING: often 

I CRY: a bucket of tears

I AM NOT ALWAYS: in the mood to walk 

I WRITE: journals and poems 

I WIN: my friend's heart and trust 

I LOST: a very good lasting relationship 

I GOT CONFUSE: with what I really want in life 

I SHOULD: think a hundred times before I decide into doing something.... 



FAVORITES.. 



NUMBER(S): 05, 10 and 15

COLOR(S): all shades of blue with a touch of pink 

MONTH(S): May, October and December

SONG(S): saving forever/cupid/weak/you are beautiful 

SEASON: spring 

DRINK(S): orange soda, green mango shake, blueberry shake, lemonade and watermelon shake



IN THE LAST 2 DAYS, HAVE YOU... 



CRIED? nope...

HELPED SOMEONE? yes 

GOTTEN SICK? nope

GONE TO THE MOVIES? nope...

SAID 'i love you'?: Yes, to my cutie little niece Princess Jewel

WRITTEN A REAL LETTER: haven't done this for a very long time

WRITTEN IN A DIARY? no, don't think I ever will write in a diary again, blogs of course 

HAD A SERIOUS TALK?: with Ferdz....

HUGGED SOMEONE?: yes




Laters Baby...