Wednesday, March 23, 2016

I thought you were there to guide me, but you were only in my way. You're not even in my life anymore, and yet you still find ways to mess things up for me. If it makes me a bad friend to not want chaos in my life then let it be. I can’t keep being there to fix you when you break. I can’t keep trying to help you, if you won’t help yourself. I can’t save you. It’s too late...

Believe it or not, it is breaking my heart to see you messing up your life like your doing  now. To hear you say the words you’ve said to me.. About me.. To see you turn your back on me, when it was supposed to be “us against the world”...

“If you were a true friend you would support me no matter what!"

But you didn't...

And I guess that ended it all...

Laters Baby....

One Last Post About You

Friday, March 18, 2016

And now your gone and all I have left is seven unread drafts, and a few locked texts. They said to write out everything I want to say to you since I'm good at expressing myself in such. They said it would help, maybe bring closure. So I've sat all night long in front of my computer and wrote this. I know you’ll never read this, but I’m trying to move on so bear with me. So, here it goes..

I told you from the start not to come into my life and let me get all attached to you if you were just going to leave. And you know what, you did it exactly. You said all the right things, you did all the right things. You held my hand. You whispered things into my ear. You made me feel so special. You played with my hair. You told me not to worry about tomorrow or what was going to happen with us next. You made me trust you. Then, you left. Why didn’t you just walk away from the beginning, instead of letting me risked it all?

I never felt anything like how I felt for you. And so soon... So sudden... I wasn’t expecting it, but it happened anyway. I guess I was stupid to think that I actually had a chance to be with you forever. Because now that I’ve been away from you and have had time to breathe and think- you could almost have any girl you want, why would you want me? I guess that’s not realistic. I'm not being realistic.

I don’t know if you knew but I've liked you since day one. Why? Because I can see how you made my friend happy. But you became my downfall when you said its me you want and not her. I almost lost her. I almost lost a great friend. I can still remember everything about that day. Every single little detail. That beginning rush, that feeling that I know too much without knowing really anything at all. I keep thinking that maybe if you see how much I care about you, you’ll come back. But, I guess that’s not going to happen. but still, it all plays over and over again in my head. I can still see it, I can still hear your voice, I can still feel your touch.

You are by far the burly person I’ve ever met and I’d do anything to have you back in my life. I know you don’t need me but I need you. I would rather have you as a friend than you not be in my life at all, but I guess that’s not my choice to make.

I wish I could say it was your fault, I need someone to blame. But it was mine. You told me what your intentions where from the start, I just didn’t listen. But you, you knew how I felt about you, you knew you were helping with the fall, you knew it would mess with my head. You knew what you were doing, and you did it anyway.

Laters Baby...

He Never Will...

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

I just have to keep telling myself “HE doesn’t love you". HE didn’t love you when he was holding your hand. HE didn’t love you when he was whispering it in your ear. HE didn’t love you when HE convinced you to go a little too far. HE didn’t love you when HE swore HE’d never leave. HE didn’t love you when HE broke that promise.

HE didn't love you before and HE doesn't love you now either. Just because you're in a mess of emotions wishing HE would come back doesn’t mean HE will. HE doesn’t love you now that you are in an emotional roller coaster and hurting because HE left. HE doesn’t love you no matter how many desperate middle of the night texts you send HIM. No matter how many tears you cry for HIM it doesn't matter for HE doesn't love you

HE didn’t love you then. HE doesn’t love you now. And HE never will.

Laters Baby,

After You...

Monday, March 14, 2016

You stopped calling to say goodnight and so I stopped sleeping. Welcome to abnormal sleeping cycles featuring ‘I love you.’ the dark circles under my eyes aren’t temporary, but you are. Like when there is frost on the window and you’re scared to breathe because if you exhale to quickly it will disappear, this is how I love you.

Like when you rest your hand on something and the more you think about your hand being there, the heavier it feels. That’s kinda how loving you feels. you blind me with your sun then eclipse me with your moon before you give my eyes a chance to adjust. Being with you feels like a form of prayer and if God won’t bless you I will try my hardest to. But it’s like some sort of race I can’t get ahead of.

You know how some words sound cool but their meaning is underwhelming? That was us.

Laters Baby....

Chain Smoker...

Thursday, March 10, 2016

You we’re a chain-smoker. I knew this when I met you, leaning up against that brick wall like it was the only thing keeping you standing, smoking one after the other. You had that look in your eyes, the kind that said you were up for anything. My parents had warned me about the drugs in the streets but no one ever warned me about the ones with brown, expressive eyes and a heartbeat. And those, well let me tell you, those are the most addictive kind of drugs. The addiction came unexpectedly fast, along with the long nights and blurry eyes, everything was always kept a blur when you were around. My head stayed constant state of spinning. My dependence became stronger and stronger, the more I had you the deeper I was in… the harder it was to stop. You became the oxygen I needed to stay alive. My reason for waking up in the morning. My excuse for staying up late at night. Then one day, it all stopped. 

You were a chain-smoker and I was just another pack of cigarettes.

Laters Baby...

It still hurts...

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

When I was still in college, I met a boy twice. I know that sounds silly and impossible but I guess, the difference between meeting him the first time and the last time is honestly simple in the most complex and ridiculous ways. In my head, it's so easy to justify this statement. It just makes so much sense to me there. But even when I try to explain it in the most simple ways, no one seems to understand.

I met a boy twice. I met him first in the beginning of the rainy season and again in the middle of the summer. When we met on that cold rainy day, his lips were almost chapped and his hair was kind of long. His hands were gentle and his voice was so soft. He offered me his jacket and asked me to share his umbrella. He would laugh because he thought it was so cute that I was coy that I could barely speak. He spent his days and nights making sure I was happy and loved and when he looked at me, his soulful and expressive eyes would light up. My life was beautiful and he thought I was beautiful. But rightfully, he was the beautiful one for making me love myself again during those few months. His kisses stole all the air from my lungs and his lips were sweet enough to give me goose bumps every time. We stayed up all night learning each other’s secrets and memorizing each other’s bodies. He fell in love with my smile and I fell in love with his eyes. When he held me, I would reached for his hands so that I could hold him too. When I held him, I'd bury my face in his shirt and study his distinct smell (cigarette and -something-). I never truly identified the "something" part. It's still a mystery, I suppose. We went on dates and held hands and smiled a lot. We watched the sunrise and the sunset. We went to a coffee shop although he is not a fanatic of such. We spent sunny days wandering around malls in search of that perfect spot. Mostly, we spent a lot of time talking and a lot of time kissing. I do not regret any single day spent with him. He was my talk-all-night friend and I guess my best friend in general.

Then one day, he got busy and stopped texting and calling. And I started caring too much. I had become far too involved and invested and I think that scared him away.

I didn't see him for a long time and it made me very ill. I became bitter and sad as he became more and more distant. I tried to explain how I felt but all that came out were buckets of tears and accusations and repetition and hurts and hurt and hurt. We spent a night in an unknown place because he wouldn't let me leave until it stopped raining and I didn't leave even if it already stopped.

Later we spent a lot of time arguing on the phone. I spent a lot of time crying and he spent a lot of time feeling guilty.

I ran into him where we used to hang out with our group of peers during his break one day and his hair was short and well groomed. He didn't touch me. His voice is still soft but indifferent. His lips was no longer chapped and he didn't laugh nor think it was cute when I stuttered because I was nervous. His eyes were dark and he didn't smile when he saw me. He didn't seem happy to see me. He didn't stop me when I began to cry and walked away. He didn't tell me he missed me too. I just stood shaking. I never felt so vulnerable. He didn't seem like the same person from before and I felt like it was all my fault.

That's what keeps me up at night, figuring out where I went wrong.

I met a boy twice.

The first time, he smiled and he fell in love with me,

The second time, he fell out of love with me.

Laters Baby....